Freedom to Choose [Friends]

Well, for those of you who missed me- I’m back. Sorta. It’s interestingly ironic, and I’ll get to that in a second. The last time I posted on The Freedom to Choose, I indicated it would be a much re-visited topic with different sub-titles. I even had a list of what my next posts would be about, and yet this particular sub was not one of them. I’ll start at the beginning and catch you up.

So, it all started with this Facebook friend request. It was 2007 and it kicked off what would be a two-year “Silent Feud” with my boyfriend and I. We went into the topics of ex’s that were friends, friends of the opposite sex in general, and people whom my partner viewed as “frenemies”. I won’t get into this piece, and no- I’m not heading where you think! The bottom line was, for me personally, “Did these friends really deserve this kind of argument and protest?” I can hear the sirens starting for the people who want to shoot me down, but follow me people.

We were not discussing “ride or die” friends that had helped me through the worst times in my life- these folks were actually noticeably absent in general when I needed them. We were not talking about life-long friends who, despite their quirks had never wronged me. We weren’t even talking about guys I considered “the ones that got away”. I realized over time that the same people who I was fighting for my right to keep as friends, would have dropped me like a hot potato if they had the right incentive. I also realized that, in some cases, I was clinging to friendships that had caused me nothing but hurt and the loss of other friends over a series of years. Why? Why was I so hellbent on keeping up the charade of these friendships? So, I decided to let it all go. I made my list of demands, reserving the right to keep any and all female friends, to reconnect with the one male friend I knew I could not ever fully get away from, who would understand my silence and who had always been a sound adviser, and once that list was made I cut them off. I deleted old Facebook profiles, removed friends, changed my name for the tenacious few who would “stalk” me down, and I went into radio silence.

Some of you may be judging me, but at the end of the day I did not think it was worth the time and energy. I have hundreds of awesome, male influence in my life thanks to my huge family, and I certainly was never in need of friends outside of my inner circle. They were also mostly ex’s, and it boiled down to about four or five guys and a handful of folks I did not hang out with anyway- not a big hit to my social, personal or spiritual life!

Fast forward to years later, the emergence of optimized search capabilities and the start of my own company. At first, it was just a verbal communication through mutual friends. Then, an email, FB friend request and messages. My first break through was a High School buddy who I’d never dated, cool.

I reached back and chose to be friends again and I don’t regret it. He had never done me wrong, if anything his dating life had been such a sad story when we were younger that I was glad to see him happy and with a nice girl. I do not think he would “fight” to stay friends with me, but there is a comfort in reconnecting even if it were short-lived. I would understand and would never hold a grudge. The second was my “reserve” friend. I won’t get into that story but we only chat occasionally and live in two completely different worlds. I believe he would not ever allow someone else to dictate the rules of our friendship. One, because they are so “loose” already and we have an understanding about how important our significant others are. Two, well he’s just not that kind of guy- I consider him my true friend.

Before and after these two, there were several other attempts I rebuffed. I was told by one guy I was holding a grudge, but in truth I was, once again, exercising my right to choose. First, I handpicked who I would cut off. Now I’m handpicking who I let back in. Call me cold, evil, witch, whatever you want to. I have the right, we all have the right to keep negative influences out of our lives. No matter how much history you have with each other, there is a point where enough is enough. It’s when you and I are simply like fire and… more fire!! It can also be when you repeatedly put your new “friends” before me, it’s when you dish dirt about me behind my back, it’s when you lie to my face about something that impacts me deeply and finally, it’s when I truly reach to you for help and you cannot be bothered. These are general reasons that I am no longer even sure who the perpetrators were. And I certainly did not even recognize one guy’s name, so it took me a minute to put two and two together. In the end, I am not obligated to be your friend because you asked, and me denying that reconnection does not mean I’ve been stewing about the past. I have forgiven, forgotten, and moved on.

I recently added on more to the list, just for *giggles* as my co-worker Rex would say. I’m not sure how that will turn out, but it brought back an old hurt the others had not. Not a longing for the past as you might think, but more of a reminder that my life is not where I thought it would be yet.

The bottom line is, we all have the freedom to choose. We choose who we date, we choose who we marry, and we choose who we are friends with. My story is not a template, but a cautionary tale. You should never have to do a “mass cleanup” in your friend-life. The old saying goes, “when people show you who they are the first time, believe them!”. These friends I let go were not actually my friends. They were ideas that I had that had long ago been proven incorrect. I could not change that, nor could I change them. Once I was able to see WHO these people were, I realized they were not who I thought they were and they were not friends. I was a little hurt to have to come to these honest assessments, but it has certainly given me three drama free years and I’m continuing to count.

You have the Freedom to Choose, so do so wisely but do not be afraid to admit when you chose wrong!